1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
