Umm I'm too high to move.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
