If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
