Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
