my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize