this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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