if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
