The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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