I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
