Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
