I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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