Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
