omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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