Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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