God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
