my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I enjoy the company of your penis
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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