Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I made him laugh his dick is mine
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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