My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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