ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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