its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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