She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
