I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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