Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
