u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
