i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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