I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
