he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
birth control should be required to get into college
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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