If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
