They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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