You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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