I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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