I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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