Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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