Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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