so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to be your penis for a week.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
