She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
operation harelip BJ is a go
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
