3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
