the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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