Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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