Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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