The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
