We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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