I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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