I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
