Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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