I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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