Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
