Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
