do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
