Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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