Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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