I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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