i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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