If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
