I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
