the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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