The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
