he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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