Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
