I'm passing your future prison.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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