textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
